This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger
“Children and Visiting”
If your loved one is allowed to have visitors who are minors, there are things you can do to prepare the children for the visit. If possible, make a visit yourself without the children first, so – according to their ages – you can tell them what to expect, explaining what it is like inside, and explain the basic rules. Answer any questions they may have. You may want to coach them on what to say to your loved one if there are sensitive topics that need to be avoided. Make sure they meet all the requirements to enter (appropriate clothing, etc.) so there is no added stress when it comes to seeing their loved one. Department of Corrections websites can give you further information on children and visiting. Some institutions require specific forms for minors that are available online.
Some correctional facilities are more family-friendly than others. Many of them have rooms where there are games, puzzles, and toys that can be checked out and used. Families can sit in chairs to visit, so it isn’t so scary for the children. Playing games with their loved ones can make the visit seem more normal. Some facilities even have a courtyard with tables and a playground.
In some facilities the correctional officers go out of their way to talk, and even joke, with the children so they feel more comfortable. At Christmas time, Santa may visit the children at some facilities. Many facilities have a restaurant where families can eat together. All of these facets can help make the children more at ease when they visit their loved one.
Other facilities do not provide these features. Depending on the security level or other factors, children may not be able to touch their loved one. The visit may be through glass or over a video screen. However the children connect with their loved one in a visit, prepare them ahead of time so they know what to expect.
After you leave the facility, talk with the children and reassure them their loved one is safe. Help them remember the best parts of the visit. In between visits, help the children write letters to their loved one, or have them draw pictures if they are too young to write letters. If it is allowed, let them talk with their loved one on the phone as well.
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Never speaking ill of the incarcerated helps the children maintain any positive emotions they have for their loved one. Also, when children see the adults forgive the family member, it can help them do likewise. Never pressure the children to move to forgiveness or even positive feelings for the loved one. Allow them to experience what they are feeling and then address their feelings through positive means.
Another program providing information and activities for children as well as advice for caregivers and service providers is Sesame Street’s new project, Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration (www.sesamestreet.org/toolkits/incarceration). In the usual Sesame Street style, this program uses videos, songs, and activities for children ages 3-8 to help them understand and deal with the challenges of having a loved one who is incarcerated. Big Brothers/Big Sisters and church programs can also offer support, providing mentors and involvement in positive ways. Programs such as these move the children’s focus away from the reminders of their loved one’s incarceration.
There is also the money that goes into his or her account for personal expenses at the prison commissary. Your loved one may need money for shoes, underwear, certain clothes, extra food, toiletries, paper and pens for classwork assignments or writing letters, and anything the prison doesn’t supply. Some have said that they budget $300 per month for the basics for their loved one.
Bills that are in your name, or held jointly with the offender, will remain your responsibility. Bills in the offender’s name, such as credit card accounts, are your loved one’s responsibility, not yours. Do not be hassled by banks or lenders to pay them. The one incarcerated will have to make arrangements for those. Since he or she has no income bankruptcy is often the only solution.
Children lose the daily support of a parent or significant adult as well. They may have to take on added responsibilities around the house which can result in resentment. They may feel abandoned or responsible for the incarceration and act out, either at home or at school. If any form of bullying occurs, instruct your children to report it to school authorities immediately before it escalates into violence.
From Those Who Know… 
You may be able to visit your loved one each week, or at least 2-3 times a month. Or you may visit only a few times a year due to travel and time constraints. For some of you, the distance may prevent you from visiting at all. When you do visit, if you are able, the main thing is to make the most of it and keep the conversation in a positive vein. You may have to find ways to keep your emotions in check, especially if you are angry with your loved one. In the early visits, you may want to know the truth of what happened when the crime was committed. Why did he or she do it? The truth is, sometimes your loved one may not even know. He or she may also play the “blame game” and may not be ready to take full responsibility. Or your loved one may be careful with what is shared so as not to hurt you. Don’t push your loved one to share. You may not know the emotional state your loved one will be in before you visit, so you need to be prepared for uncertainty during the visit. Over time, visiting usually gets easier. Keep your loved one up-to-date on family events, find ways to bring humor and to laugh, and be sure to express your love in some way. You can grow closer to your loved one during these visits. You can become your loved one’s true support person even if you have not been in the past.