This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“Special Circumstances”

Mental Illness – If your loved one has a mental illness, you may face the challenge of trying to make sure he or she is getting needed treatment. Unfortunately, other than changing laws at the national level, you cannot force your loved one to take any necessary medications. And if you are not the inmate’s legal guardian or hold power of attorney, the correctional system does not inform you of your loved one’s medical status unless the appropriate forms have been signed beforehand. Often this can take weeks.

inmates walking down a hall

 

This means that if your loved one doesn’t want you to know whether he or she is taking medication or not, you will not be informed. (If you do become your loved one’s legal guardian, you will be responsible for any issues that arise after release.) Also, oftentimes the prisoner will be given enough medication to make the person cooperative in prison, but not necessarily enough to make him or her function at a “normal” level. This can be very frustrating for you. If your loved one is not on the correct medication, or at the appropriate dosage, it may make it even harder to connect with him or her.

When visiting or talking on the phone, you may not know what to say that won’t agitate him or her. For example, conversations may trigger your loved one’s delusions. Or the inmate may cancel visits or not respond to contacts. The inmate may want to put everything behind them including you.parents visiting child in prison

Juvenile Offenders – If your incarcerated loved one is a juvenile, you may feel even more of an emotional strain. If you are the parent of the offender, you may feel responsible your child’s actions. Parents usually worry about their children going down the wrong path. Juvenile offenders may have come from foster homes, abusive situations, or other institutions, so their connection with people who care about them may be more strained. They may feel more connected to their peers or a gang, who may be part of the reason for the incarceration. This may make it difficult to maintain a close relationship for you and others who want to stay connected and support them.

Immigrant Detainees – If your loved one is detained because of an immigration status only, there are often the challenges of an indeterminate length of incarceration and the threat of deportation. Immigrant detainees are not legally entitled to counsel and may have to prepare their cases for themselves while incarcerated. They are often moved around to facilities hundreds of miles away and transfers may occur often without notice.

According to Human Rights Watch (hrw.org), “52 percent of detainees experienced at least one such transfer in 2009” and “over 46 percent of transferred detainees were moved at least two times, with 3,400 people transferred 10 times or more.” This situation may make it especially difficult for you to visit or even to stay in touch.Immigrant detainees

If you are able to visit the detention facility, remember that you need a current, valid ID to get in. If you are undocumented as well, it may not be safe for you to stay in contact. You may then not know where your loved one is or how the case is proceeding. You may not know how to help your loved one’s case. This can be heartbreaking. Even when legal counsel is not available, in most communities there are agencies and churches that may be able to assist you in at least locating your loved one without placing yourself in danger.

If the immigrant detainee has children, a custody case may also be in play and preparation for that is done while incarcerated as well. If you can, alert the person to find the law library, and enlist the help of a librarian, a chaplain, or even other prisoners. It is important that your loved one has a plan in place for the care of his or her children, especially with the threat of deportation. Otherwise the children will likely enter the foster care system and may be separated from the family indefinitely – if not permanently.

Parole – If the prisoner has been released on parole, you may find as many or more challenges in your life. You may worry about your loved one violating parole, whether intentionally or not. You may see the parolee struggling to stay out of trouble, get a job or keep a job. Employers often simply don’t want to take the risk of hiring your loved one who has a record. Or you may see your spouse or friend going back to the same group of friends and the same habits that got him or her into trouble originally. You may not be able to do anything about this and just have to watch it happen. If the parolee doesn’t live with you, you may be able to do nothing but hope that the conditions of parole are being kept and the loved one is working to stay straight. Try to avoid gossip, rumors and false accusations from others. There may be many sides to every story.Children crying

You may see your paroled spouse or friend taking advantage of family or friends. In some areas of the country, there are “Re-entry” programs designed to support ex-offenders, such as The Fortune Society and Exodus Transitional Community in New York City. If you have access to the Internet, you can do a Google search for “Re-entry programs” in your city, to find what you need nearby. In addition, there are support programs for the families of ex-offenders.

Even if an ex-offender is trying to make changes, “being on the outside” after incarceration can be such a challenge, your loved one may not make it and may return to prison. This may be devastating for you, your family and friends.

No matter what your loved one’s situation is, adjusting to these new challenges in your life will take time, and finding the support you need is absolutely essential. There are many methods and ways to help you cope. You must resolve to find them if you seek reconciliation with your loved one.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“Children and Visiting”

If your loved one is allowed to have visitors who are minors, there are things you can do to prepare the children for the visit. If possible, make a visit yourself without the children first, so – according to their ages – you can tell them what to expect, explaining what it is like inside, and explain the basic rules. Answer any questions they may have. You may want to coach them on what to say to your loved one if there are sensitive topics that need to be avoided. Make sure they meet all the requirements to enter (appropriate clothing, etc.) so there is no added stress when it comes to seeing their loved one. Department of Corrections websites can give you further information on children and visiting. Some institutions require specific forms for minors that are available online.

Children visiting inmate
Some correctional facilities are more family-friendly than others. Many of them have rooms where there are games, puzzles, and toys that can be checked out and used. Families can sit in chairs to visit, so it isn’t so scary for the children. Playing games with their loved ones can make the visit seem more normal. Some facilities even have a courtyard with tables and a playground.

In some facilities the correctional officers go out of their way to talk, and even joke, with the children so they feel more comfortable. At Christmas time, Santa may visit the children at some facilities. Many facilities have a restaurant where families can eat together. All of these facets can help make the children more at ease when they visit their loved one.

 

Children walking with momOther facilities do not provide these features. Depending on the security level or other factors, children may not be able to touch their loved one. The visit may be through glass or over a video screen. However the children connect with their loved one in a visit, prepare them ahead of time so they know what to expect.

After you leave the facility, talk with the children and reassure them their loved one is safe. Help them remember the best parts of the visit. In between visits, help the children write letters to their loved one, or have them draw pictures if they are too young to write letters. If it is allowed, let them talk with their loved one on the phone as well.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“Helping Children Cope”

Various approaches can help children get through the challenges of having a loved one in prison. The adults in the children’s lives can encourage healing. Because children often follow the lead of the adults around them, you can help them through your own example – attitude and action. Children will feel the intensity of the emotion of the adults in their lives, so keeping a light heart, talking, and laughing with the children will help them to look toward the positives in their lives.

Child in thoughtNever speaking ill of the incarcerated helps the children maintain any positive emotions they have for their loved one. Also, when children see the adults forgive the family member, it can help them do likewise. Never pressure the children to move to forgiveness or even positive feelings for the loved one. Allow them to experience what they are feeling and then address their feelings through positive means.

Allow the children to initiate conversations about their absent loved ones, and let them take the lead in those conversations. Affirming their feelings, answering their questions age-appropriately, and simply letting them vent are all proper responses on your part. Some children will be more verbal about it than others. Some will move on with their lives more quickly. Others may need to work with a counselor or find a support group. Resources are available to help children deal with their emotional response to the situation.

Writing letters, talking on the phone, and visiting (if allowed) can help the children deal with the separation and maintain a relationship with their loved one. Especially when the incarcerated family member is a parent, this is vitally important. The Bureau of Justice statistics reveal that there are over 1,700,000 children under 18 in the United States who have one or more parents who are incarcerated. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Parents in Prison and Their Minor Children, by Lauren E. Glaze and Laura M. Maruschak, BJS Statisticians, 2008, www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=823)

Sometimes children are not able to visit their loved one because of distance. Other times, they are not allowed to visit because of the particular crime committed. If the crime involved children, the inmate may not be allowed to be in contact with minors, even family members. This may be especially difficult if the children were close to the inmate.

sad child with mother on phone in the background

Allowing the children to freely discuss the situation at home gives them a safe place to process all that is going on in their lives. Having other supportive family members outside of the home not only gives the children added support, but will also provide their caregivers an outlet. As mentioned earlier, letters and phone calls from their loved one can ease the anxiety of separation, especially if visiting is impossible due to distance or other reasons.

Informing the children’s school about the situation can help them find support there. While the children’s peers may not know – unless they choose to share their story – teachers and staff can observe the children and help with understanding whenever any issue arises.

Resources for Children
Books are often a source of comfort for children during this time. The Children of Incarcerated Parents Library has a book list for children of inmates posted on their web site. (See nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/resources/library/children-of-prisoners-library/.) The list is arranged by age. Another resource that may be available for children, depending on the facility where their loved one is located, involves incarcerated parents reading to their children on tape. The book and tape are then given to the children.

There are various programs that provide this service around the US. Some examples of such programs are Story Link in Missouri and Idaho, Project Storybook in New Jersey, the Women’s Storybook Project of Texas, and Lutheran Social Services of Illinois’ (LSSI) Prisoner & Family Ministry Storybook Project.

Sesame Street’s new project, Little Children, Big Challenges: IncarcerationAnother program providing information and activities for children as well as advice for caregivers and service providers is Sesame Street’s new project, Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration (www.sesamestreet.org/toolkits/incarceration). In the usual Sesame Street style, this program uses videos, songs, and activities for children ages 3-8 to help them understand and deal with the challenges of having a loved one who is incarcerated. Big Brothers/Big Sisters and church programs can also offer support, providing mentors and involvement in positive ways. Programs such as these move the children’s focus away from the reminders of their loved one’s incarceration.

Beyond these resources, counseling is a powerful tool to help children work through the feelings and experiences of having an incarcerated family member. Local counseling centers can provide individual therapists and may connect you with support groups for the children. Web sites such as APA.org can help you find a therapist in your area.

One of the best things you can do to help children in this situation, especially if you are their caretaker, is to find support for yourself. If you find healthy ways to meet your own needs in this trying time, you will better be able to support the children involved. Educating yourself on the needs of children with an incarcerated loved one will also give you the means to be there for the children.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“Facing the Challenges: Living Day-to-Day”

Whether it is a child, a spouse, or a parent, having an incarcerated family member presents many day-to-day challenges, especially if he or she was a member of your household at the time of the incarceration.

For those whose loved one was the primary source of income, the financial burdens may be the greatest source of stress. Adjusting to one income, or joining the workforce to make ends meet, may take more than creative accounting. In addition to loss of income, the person is still in your budget if you commit to continuing to care for him or her. There is the expense of phone calls, whether you pay for collect calls or put money in your loved one’s phone account.

Woman cryingThere is also the money that goes into his or her account for personal expenses at the prison commissary. Your loved one may need money for shoes, underwear, certain clothes, extra food, toiletries, paper and pens for classwork assignments or writing letters, and anything the prison doesn’t supply. Some have said that they budget $300 per month for the basics for their loved one.

And as mentioned in Chapter Three, visiting adds even more expenses. If you travel a distance, there is the expense for gas, hotel, and food. Even if it is simply a day-trip, you will probably need to pay for food, whether in the prison or on the road.

While you may be able to support yourself and/or your family with your own job, you may not be able to live the same lifestyle you were used to before your support provider was incarcerated. You may have to make tough decisions, like not going to visit your loved one, because of the expense. You may have to move or make other big changes in your lifestyle to make ends meet. You may struggle to pay your bills and find you need to tap public resources, your place of worship, or reach out to family and friends for financial help.

woman holding baby looking at moneyBills that are in your name, or held jointly with the offender, will remain your responsibility. Bills in the offender’s name, such as credit card accounts, are your loved one’s responsibility, not yours. Do not be hassled by banks or lenders to pay them. The one incarcerated will have to make arrangements for those. Since he or she has no income bankruptcy is often the only solution.

Man in prison woman making a heart shape with her hands

If you are a parent and your spouse is incarcerated, you may have to find new child care arrangements so you can work. Even if it isn’t your spouse who is incarcerated, you may find yourself taking care of your grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or other children if their imprisoned former caregiver has no one to care for these children.

Elderly grandparents can be burdened because of the energy it takes to raise young children. Or they may not be able to retire due to the expense of raising children. When you have a family of your own and are taking in the prisoner’s children, you may have to deal with how your own children will respond and how additional children in the home may affect your relationships. You will have the added expense of raising the additional children and may receive little financial support for this expense.

In addition to financial burdens are the emotional stressors. You may worry about your loved one’s well-being, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Even if you have a close relationship with this person, you may have weeks when you aren’t getting along, so visits and correspondence may be affected. Your emotional life may reflect that – you are up when your loved one is up, and down when that person is down.

You may also lose emotional support if people “drop out” of your life after the incarceration. Family members may respond differently to the situation and this can cause hurt and tension. Parents of inmates may blame themselves or each other, and this puts stress on their relationship. Some couples separate just to avoid having to deal with the stress. To help avoid this, couples need to realize they are still important to each other and make sure that having a child in prison is not the only focus in their lives. Supportive loved ones may also have to deal with the fact that even within the immediate family, all members may not be sympathetic to the one in prison, or even have anything to do with you or the one imprisoned. Incarceration is a trauma for so many whose lives are touched by this tragedy.

When a loved one is incarcerated, it changes family dynamics. Roles may change as a spouse becomes a “single” parent. This may be the hardest challenge of all. You lose daily emotional support and intimacy if it is your spouse who is incarcerated. Decision-making and discipline are all on your shoulders. This can lead to resentment if the prisoner, at visits, acts as if he or she is still in charge of these things.

father consoling childChildren lose the daily support of a parent or significant adult as well. They may have to take on added responsibilities around the house which can result in resentment. They may feel abandoned or responsible for the incarceration and act out, either at home or at school. If any form of bullying occurs, instruct your children to report it to school authorities immediately before it escalates into violence.

During your loved one’s incarceration, you are missing a piece of your family unit. The prisoner may miss family weddings, graduations, or funerals and other important events. Even when good things happen in your life, the incarceration is still hanging over your head, coloring the experiences of your life. You may also worry how the incarceration will affect the inmate in the long run, and may need to learn to let go of your hopes and dreams for and with that person, accepting it for what it is.

man and woman kissing between prison barsFrom Those Who Know…

I didn’t realize how much we shared around the house, like bouncing ideas off of him, or just getting a ride to get my oil changed.

I maxed out my credit cards making sure he had money on his phone account.

I had to move in with my in-laws and sell the second car.

My husband got military disability and I wasn’t sure if this would continue. I had to go through an appeal process. It was uncertain for the first several months.

I have a low-level anger toward my mom because of how she hasn’t dealt with my sister’s situation.

We almost split up.

In spite of all that happened, it was a blessing because my perspective changed. It forced me to change my priorities.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“What about the children?”

Impact on Children
Whether it is a parent or other significant loved one who is in prison, incarceration of a family member can have a substantial impact on children. Infants and very young children may experience fewer difficulties when they do not know anything other than having their loved one incarcerated. However, older children who are more aware of their situation experience various challenges.

If others know about their circumstances, children of the incarcerated may often feel in prison themselves because they are not accepted or are discriminated against. They may get in trouble, be labeled, or be embarrassed because their parents or other close friends are incarcerated. As they grow older, they may be susceptible to issues like early pregnancy, mental or emotional health problems, or academic and behavioral difficulties. Often in these situations, it seems the children suffer more than the adults as they deal with the far-reaching consequences of the incarceration.

child's drawing of jail

According to the National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated, the impact on children whose parents are incarcerated is great.

Children may feel that it is somehow their fault that their loved one is incarcerated or have other feelings they do not understand and may not want to talk about. However, there are many things you can do to help the children of inmates work though their experience of having a parent incarcerated. First and foremost, be honest with them about the situation.

Telling the Children
While it may be difficult, telling children about the incarceration of a loved one in a gentle, honest way can help them deal with the situation more successfully. We know children are resilient, and will respond to the truth better than to secrets and the unknown. Of course, what you share needs to correspond to the ages of the children. The older they are, the more they can know about the situation. But even the youngest children need to understand that their loved one will be gone for a while and the children may or may not be able to be in contact with them throughout the term of the sentence.

Be sure to use developmentally appropriate language as you explain the situation. Answer questions they may have, but do not over-explain. Only give them the information they request at each stage. As they grow older, what you tell them will increase as well. In speaking honestly to the children, you can allay their fears that things are worse than you are letting on. Assuring them that they can be honest with you about their feelings will help them as well.

From Those Who Know…

I was 18 so my family kind of kept it away from me…My siblings are younger. They were upset, hurt. It affected everyone. We were asking, “Why did it happen? What happened? To this day we don’t know the whole story, only bits and pieces. Don’t know if there is truth in the matter of what we do know. They should have told us everything.

Their aunt, my husband and myself sat down with the children and told them…We promised that day that we would never lie to them and we have not.
His ex-wife told the children.

My husband talked to my two young grandsons. He told them he broke the law and would have to stay in prison for a while.

The FBI pulled them out of their classrooms and told them what their dad was charged with.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.