This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

“Special Circumstances”

Mental Illness – If your loved one has a mental illness, you may face the challenge of trying to make sure he or she is getting needed treatment. Unfortunately, other than changing laws at the national level, you cannot force your loved one to take any necessary medications. And if you are not the inmate’s legal guardian or hold power of attorney, the correctional system does not inform you of your loved one’s medical status unless the appropriate forms have been signed beforehand. Often this can take weeks.

This means that if your loved one doesn’t want you to know whether he or she is taking medication or not, you will not be informed. (If you do become your loved one’s legal guardian, you will be responsible for any issues that arise after release.) Also, oftentimes the prisoner will be given enough medication to make the person cooperative in prison, but not necessarily enough to make him or her function at a “normal” level. This can be very frustrating for you. If your loved one is not on the correct medication, or at the appropriate dosage, it may make it even harder to connect with him or her.

When visiting or talking on the phone, you may not know what to say that won’t agitate him or her. For example, conversations may trigger your loved one’s delusions. Or the inmate may cancel visits or not respond to contacts. The inmate may want to put everything behind them including you.

Juvenile Offenders – If your incarcerated loved one is a juvenile, you may feel even more of an emotional strain. If you are the parent of the offender, you may feel responsible your child’s actions. Parents usually worry about their children going down the wrong path. Juvenile offenders may have come from foster homes, abusive situations, or other institutions, so their connection with people who care about them may be more strained. They may feel more connected to their peers or a gang, who may be part of the reason for the incarceration. This may make it difficult to maintain a close relationship for you and others who want to stay connected and support them.

Immigrant Detainees – If your loved one is detained because of an immigration status only, there are often the challenges of an indeterminate length of incarceration and the threat of deportation. Immigrant detainees are not legally entitled to counsel and may have to prepare their cases for themselves while incarcerated. They are often moved around to facilities hundreds of miles away and transfers may occur often without notice.

According to Human Rights Watch (hrw.org), “52 percent of detainees experienced at least one such transfer in 2009” and “over 46 percent of transferred detainees were moved at least two times, with 3,400 people transferred 10 times or more.” This situation may make it especially difficult for you to visit or even to stay in touch.

If you are able to visit the detention facility, remember that you need a current, valid ID to get in. If you are undocumented as well, it may not be safe for you to stay in contact. You may then not know where your loved one is or how the case is proceeding. You may not know how to help your loved one’s case. This can be heartbreaking. Even when legal counsel is not available, in most communities there are agencies and churches that may be able to assist you in at least locating your loved one without placing yourself in danger.

If the immigrant detainee has children, a custody case may also be in play and preparation for that is done while incarcerated as well. If you can, alert the person to find the law library, and enlist the help of a librarian, a chaplain, or even other prisoners. It is important that your loved one has a plan in place for the care of his or her children, especially with the threat of deportation. Otherwise the children will likely enter the foster care system and may be separated from the family indefinitely – if not permanently.

Parole – If the prisoner has been released on parole, you may find as many or more challenges in your life. You may worry about your loved one violating parole, whether intentionally or not. You may see the parolee struggling to stay out of trouble, get a job or keep a job. Employers often simply don’t want to take the risk of hiring your loved one who has a record. Or you may see your spouse or friend going back to the same group of friends and the same habits that got him or her into trouble originally. You may not be able to do anything about this and just have to watch it happen. If the parolee doesn’t live with you, you may be able to do nothing but hope that the conditions of parole are being kept and the loved one is working to stay straight. Try to avoid gossip, rumors and false accusations from others. There may be many sides to every story.

You may see your paroled spouse or friend taking advantage of family or friends. In some areas of the country, there are “Re-entry” programs designed to support ex-offenders, such as The Fortune Society and Exodus Transitional Community in New York City. If you have access to the Internet, you can do a Google search for “Re-entry programs” in your city, to find what you need nearby. In addition, there are support programs for the families of ex-offenders.

Even if an ex-offender is trying to make changes, “being on the outside” after incarceration can be such a challenge, your loved one may not make it and may return to prison. This may be devastating for you, your family and friends.

No matter what your loved one’s situation is, adjusting to these new challenges in your life will take time, and finding the support you need is absolutely essential. There are many methods and ways to help you cope. You must resolve to find them if you seek reconciliation with your loved one.

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

“Helping Children Cope”

Various approaches can help children get through the challenges of having a loved one in prison. The adults in the children’s lives can encourage healing. Because children often follow the lead of the adults around them, you can help them through your own example – attitude and action. Children will feel the intensity of the emotion of the adults in their lives, so keeping a light heart, talking, and laughing with the children will help them to look toward the positives in their lives.

Never speaking ill of the incarcerated helps the children maintain any positive emotions they have for their loved one. Also, when children see the adults forgive the family member, it can help them do likewise. Never pressure the children to move to forgiveness or even positive feelings for the loved one. Allow them to experience what they are feeling and then address their feelings through positive means.

Allow the children to initiate conversations about their absent loved ones, and let them take the lead in those conversations. Affirming their feelings, answering their questions age-appropriately, and simply letting them vent are all proper responses on your part. Some children will be more verbal about it than others. Some will move on with their lives more quickly. Others may need to work with a counselor or find a support group. Resources are available to help children deal with their emotional response to the situation.

Writing letters, talking on the phone, and visiting (if allowed) can help the children deal with the separation and maintain a relationship with their loved one. Especially when the incarcerated family member is a parent, this is vitally important. The Bureau of Justice statistics reveal that there are over 1,700,000 children under 18 in the United States who have one or more parents who are incarcerated. (Bureau of Justice Statistics Special Report: Parents in Prison and Their Minor Children, by Lauren E. Glaze and Laura M. Maruschak, BJS Statisticians, 2008, www.bjs.gov/index.cfm?ty=pbdetail&iid=823)

Sometimes children are not able to visit their loved one because of distance. Other times, they are not allowed to visit because of the particular crime committed. If the crime involved children, the inmate may not be allowed to be in contact with minors, even family members. This may be especially difficult if the children were close to the inmate.

Allowing the children to freely discuss the situation at home gives them a safe place to process all that is going on in their lives. Having other supportive family members outside of the home not only gives the children added support, but will also provide their caregivers an outlet. As mentioned earlier, letters and phone calls from their loved one can ease the anxiety of separation, especially if visiting is impossible due to distance or other reasons.

Informing the children’s school about the situation can help them find support there. While the children’s peers may not know – unless they choose to share their story – teachers and staff can observe the children and help with understanding whenever any issue arises.

Resources for Children
Books are often a source of comfort for children during this time. The Children of Incarcerated Parents Library has a book list for children of inmates posted on their web site. (See nrccfi.camden.rutgers.edu/resources/library/children-of-prisoners-library/.) The list is arranged by age. Another resource that may be available for children, depending on the facility where their loved one is located, involves incarcerated parents reading to their children on tape. The book and tape are then given to the children.

There are various programs that provide this service around the US. Some examples of such programs are Story Link in Missouri and Idaho, Project Storybook in New Jersey, the Women’s Storybook Project of Texas, and Lutheran Social Services of Illinois’ (LSSI) Prisoner & Family Ministry Storybook Project.

Another program providing information and activities for children as well as advice for caregivers and service providers is Sesame Street’s new project, Little Children, Big Challenges: Incarceration (www.sesamestreet.org/toolkits/incarceration). In the usual Sesame Street style, this program uses videos, songs, and activities for children ages 3-8 to help them understand and deal with the challenges of having a loved one who is incarcerated. Big Brothers/Big Sisters and church programs can also offer support, providing mentors and involvement in positive ways. Programs such as these move the children’s focus away from the reminders of their loved one’s incarceration.

Beyond these resources, counseling is a powerful tool to help children work through the feelings and experiences of having an incarcerated family member. Local counseling centers can provide individual therapists and may connect you with support groups for the children. Web sites such as APA.org can help you find a therapist in your area.

One of the best things you can do to help children in this situation, especially if you are their caretaker, is to find support for yourself. If you find healthy ways to meet your own needs in this trying time, you will better be able to support the children involved. Educating yourself on the needs of children with an incarcerated loved one will also give you the means to be there for the children.

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.