Keeping Hope – An Excerpt – “Facing the Challenges: Living Day-to-“

,

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“Facing the Challenges: Living Day-to-Day”

Whether it is a child, a spouse, or a parent, having an incarcerated family member presents many day-to-day challenges, especially if he or she was a member of your household at the time of the incarceration.

For those whose loved one was the primary source of income, the financial burdens may be the greatest source of stress. Adjusting to one income, or joining the workforce to make ends meet, may take more than creative accounting. In addition to loss of income, the person is still in your budget if you commit to continuing to care for him or her. There is the expense of phone calls, whether you pay for collect calls or put money in your loved one’s phone account.

Woman cryingThere is also the money that goes into his or her account for personal expenses at the prison commissary. Your loved one may need money for shoes, underwear, certain clothes, extra food, toiletries, paper and pens for classwork assignments or writing letters, and anything the prison doesn’t supply. Some have said that they budget $300 per month for the basics for their loved one.

And as mentioned in Chapter Three, visiting adds even more expenses. If you travel a distance, there is the expense for gas, hotel, and food. Even if it is simply a day-trip, you will probably need to pay for food, whether in the prison or on the road.

While you may be able to support yourself and/or your family with your own job, you may not be able to live the same lifestyle you were used to before your support provider was incarcerated. You may have to make tough decisions, like not going to visit your loved one, because of the expense. You may have to move or make other big changes in your lifestyle to make ends meet. You may struggle to pay your bills and find you need to tap public resources, your place of worship, or reach out to family and friends for financial help.

woman holding baby looking at moneyBills that are in your name, or held jointly with the offender, will remain your responsibility. Bills in the offender’s name, such as credit card accounts, are your loved one’s responsibility, not yours. Do not be hassled by banks or lenders to pay them. The one incarcerated will have to make arrangements for those. Since he or she has no income bankruptcy is often the only solution.

Man in prison woman making a heart shape with her hands

If you are a parent and your spouse is incarcerated, you may have to find new child care arrangements so you can work. Even if it isn’t your spouse who is incarcerated, you may find yourself taking care of your grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or other children if their imprisoned former caregiver has no one to care for these children.

Elderly grandparents can be burdened because of the energy it takes to raise young children. Or they may not be able to retire due to the expense of raising children. When you have a family of your own and are taking in the prisoner’s children, you may have to deal with how your own children will respond and how additional children in the home may affect your relationships. You will have the added expense of raising the additional children and may receive little financial support for this expense.

In addition to financial burdens are the emotional stressors. You may worry about your loved one’s well-being, whether physical, emotional, or spiritual. Even if you have a close relationship with this person, you may have weeks when you aren’t getting along, so visits and correspondence may be affected. Your emotional life may reflect that – you are up when your loved one is up, and down when that person is down.

You may also lose emotional support if people “drop out” of your life after the incarceration. Family members may respond differently to the situation and this can cause hurt and tension. Parents of inmates may blame themselves or each other, and this puts stress on their relationship. Some couples separate just to avoid having to deal with the stress. To help avoid this, couples need to realize they are still important to each other and make sure that having a child in prison is not the only focus in their lives. Supportive loved ones may also have to deal with the fact that even within the immediate family, all members may not be sympathetic to the one in prison, or even have anything to do with you or the one imprisoned. Incarceration is a trauma for so many whose lives are touched by this tragedy.

When a loved one is incarcerated, it changes family dynamics. Roles may change as a spouse becomes a “single” parent. This may be the hardest challenge of all. You lose daily emotional support and intimacy if it is your spouse who is incarcerated. Decision-making and discipline are all on your shoulders. This can lead to resentment if the prisoner, at visits, acts as if he or she is still in charge of these things.

father consoling childChildren lose the daily support of a parent or significant adult as well. They may have to take on added responsibilities around the house which can result in resentment. They may feel abandoned or responsible for the incarceration and act out, either at home or at school. If any form of bullying occurs, instruct your children to report it to school authorities immediately before it escalates into violence.

During your loved one’s incarceration, you are missing a piece of your family unit. The prisoner may miss family weddings, graduations, or funerals and other important events. Even when good things happen in your life, the incarceration is still hanging over your head, coloring the experiences of your life. You may also worry how the incarceration will affect the inmate in the long run, and may need to learn to let go of your hopes and dreams for and with that person, accepting it for what it is.

man and woman kissing between prison barsFrom Those Who Know…

I didn’t realize how much we shared around the house, like bouncing ideas off of him, or just getting a ride to get my oil changed.

I maxed out my credit cards making sure he had money on his phone account.

I had to move in with my in-laws and sell the second car.

My husband got military disability and I wasn’t sure if this would continue. I had to go through an appeal process. It was uncertain for the first several months.

I have a low-level anger toward my mom because of how she hasn’t dealt with my sister’s situation.

We almost split up.

In spite of all that happened, it was a blessing because my perspective changed. It forced me to change my priorities.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

Keeping Hope

/by

Keeping Hope – An Excerpt – “What about the children?”

,

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“What about the children?”

Impact on Children
Whether it is a parent or other significant loved one who is in prison, incarceration of a family member can have a substantial impact on children. Infants and very young children may experience fewer difficulties when they do not know anything other than having their loved one incarcerated. However, older children who are more aware of their situation experience various challenges.

If others know about their circumstances, children of the incarcerated may often feel in prison themselves because they are not accepted or are discriminated against. They may get in trouble, be labeled, or be embarrassed because their parents or other close friends are incarcerated. As they grow older, they may be susceptible to issues like early pregnancy, mental or emotional health problems, or academic and behavioral difficulties. Often in these situations, it seems the children suffer more than the adults as they deal with the far-reaching consequences of the incarceration.

child's drawing of jail

According to the National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated, the impact on children whose parents are incarcerated is great.

Children may feel that it is somehow their fault that their loved one is incarcerated or have other feelings they do not understand and may not want to talk about. However, there are many things you can do to help the children of inmates work though their experience of having a parent incarcerated. First and foremost, be honest with them about the situation.

Telling the Children
While it may be difficult, telling children about the incarceration of a loved one in a gentle, honest way can help them deal with the situation more successfully. We know children are resilient, and will respond to the truth better than to secrets and the unknown. Of course, what you share needs to correspond to the ages of the children. The older they are, the more they can know about the situation. But even the youngest children need to understand that their loved one will be gone for a while and the children may or may not be able to be in contact with them throughout the term of the sentence.

Be sure to use developmentally appropriate language as you explain the situation. Answer questions they may have, but do not over-explain. Only give them the information they request at each stage. As they grow older, what you tell them will increase as well. In speaking honestly to the children, you can allay their fears that things are worse than you are letting on. Assuring them that they can be honest with you about their feelings will help them as well.

From Those Who Know…

I was 18 so my family kind of kept it away from me…My siblings are younger. They were upset, hurt. It affected everyone. We were asking, “Why did it happen? What happened? To this day we don’t know the whole story, only bits and pieces. Don’t know if there is truth in the matter of what we do know. They should have told us everything.

Their aunt, my husband and myself sat down with the children and told them…We promised that day that we would never lie to them and we have not.
His ex-wife told the children.

My husband talked to my two young grandsons. He told them he broke the law and would have to stay in prison for a while.

The FBI pulled them out of their classrooms and told them what their dad was charged with.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

Keeping Hope

/by

Keeping Hope – An Excerpt – “Visiting Your Loved One”

,

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

“Visiting Your Loved One”

Prison visitYou may be able to visit your loved one each week, or at least 2-3 times a month. Or you may visit only a few times a year due to travel and time constraints. For some of you, the distance may prevent you from visiting at all. When you do visit, if you are able, the main thing is to make the most of it and keep the conversation in a positive vein. You may have to find ways to keep your emotions in check, especially if you are angry with your loved one. In the early visits, you may want to know the truth of what happened when the crime was committed. Why did he or she do it? The truth is, sometimes your loved one may not even know. He or she may also play the “blame game” and may not be ready to take full responsibility. Or your loved one may be careful with what is shared so as not to hurt you. Don’t push your loved one to share. You may not know the emotional state your loved one will be in before you visit, so you need to be prepared for uncertainty during the visit. Over time, visiting usually gets easier. Keep your loved one up-to-date on family events, find ways to bring humor and to laugh, and be sure to express your love in some way. You can grow closer to your loved one during these visits. You can become your loved one’s true support person even if you have not been in the past.

For many people who have had a loved one incarcerated, they find getting through security to be a challenge, especially because it uses up precious visiting time. For others, not being able to touch their loved one, or only having a quick hug and kiss, is the toughest aspect. For still others, it is seeing their loved one struggling and experiencing the reality of the situation. But for the vast majority, the hardest part is leaving – saying good-bye, knowing you have the freedom to go and choose what you will do next, while your loved one must stay. You know your loved one will be there as long as it takes and is not going anywhere. This, most say, is the most difficult part of visiting.

Special Considerations
Before making contact, you will want to make sure your loved one isn’t under any sanctions, such as mail or visiting restrictions. If he or she is, facilities may outline the limits of such restrictions on their website. Additionally, the website may list organizations that provide transportation to the facilities for visitors. Churches and other organizations may provide fee-based or free transportation. One such program is California’s statewide “Get on the Bus”, an annual event providing transportation for children and their caregivers to visit their incarcerated loved ones. Also provided in this event are food and other special items for the children. Another example is Diocese of Los Angeles-based “Journeys of Hope”. It is a program that helps keep families connected through visitation.

As a recent Minnesota Department of Corrections study affirms, visiting your loved one can have a substantial, positive impact. The study demonstrated that, “Any visit reduced the risk of recidivism by 13 percent for felony reconvictions and 25 percent for technical violation revocations…The results also suggest that the more sources of social support an offender has, the lower the risk of recidivism.” (The Effects of Prison Visitation on Offender Recidivism, Minnesota Department of Corrections, November 2011) So the challenges experienced in the visitation process are well worth it for most family members. Your support can make a significant difference in your loved one’s capacity for rehabilitation and reintegration into the community after incarceration.

From Those Who Know…

I thought the letters we received would say they were really sorry, and we didn’t hear that for a long time.

My brother writes and writes.

A birthday card was rejected because there was a ribbon on it.

It was a little nerve racking because she always asks to come stay with my family, and my husband and I aren’t comfortable with that.

I was embarrassed to get a letter at first stamped with “Mailed from a Correctional Facility”.

Phone calls are an excellent way for our son to communicate to us what he is doing and what the conditions are. We feel more comfortable!

I was afraid I would say something I wasn’t suppose to since calls are recorded.

When you’re visiting, they check your clothing, shoes, etc. just as if you’re a criminal too.

You take everything out of your pockets. I know it’s for security, but you feel violated for something you didn’t do.

 

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

Keeping Hope

/by

Keeping Hope – An Excerpt – “Making Contact: The Hardest Part is Leaving”

,

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

 

“Making Contact: The Hardest Part is Leaving”

Our first visit to the county jail was not great. I felt like we were treated just like the inmates. I kept thinking “can’t they feel our pain?”

Staying in contact with your family member or friend can be an enormous source of comfort for both you and them. While you may be separated for an extended period of time, writing letters, talking on the phone, and visiting if possible can help you stay connected. It also may bring tremendous comfort to the incarcerated to receive any communication from loved ones.

Man in a prison cell looking at child's artWriting Letters and Sending Packages
When writing letters and sending packages to your loved one, you need to make sure you follow regulations in what is allowed to be sent. Based on the regulations where your loved one is incarcerated, you may be able to send him or her clothes, books, food items, and other meaningful and special personal things. If you do not follow regulations, however, your package will be returned. Mail may take days or even weeks to get through to your loved one. It must be reviewed by a staff person, as do the letters from your loved one, so it may take some time for you to adjust to the lack of privacy.

It may be difficult for your loved one to write letters to you. He or she will need to have the basic supplies – paper, pen, stamps, envelopes, etc. Some facilities may provide a limited amount of such supplies, but others do not. You can usually send supplies if they are requested – and the request is approved by the staff. Usually you cannot send stamps because the stamp adhesive could contain drugs.

Sometimes your loved one may express anger in their letters. He or she may pass judgment on you or others involved in the situation. Or, your loved one may not or cannot write about what goes on in prison. But prison staff usually encourage inmates to write to their family and friends. It helps with morale, and contact with family and friends can help the inmate keep focused on spending the time of incarceration preparing to be reunited with them.

Even if your relationship isn’t the best, there are ways you and your loved one can share and grow closer through letters. Just copy and paste a favorite comic strip from the newspaper or tell him or her about a ball game you watched . If it is appropriate, sharing Scripture is another meaningful way to communicate. Each of you can read the same bible passages and share in letters what you each took from those passages. Keep the communication going. Set aside a day and time of the week or month that you will communicate with your loved one. Whatever you share, letter writing is a way to foster the relationship and it may be just as helpful to you as it is to the one in prison.

Phone Calls
Connecting with a prisoner over the phone can bring the joy and pleasure of just hearing your loved one’s voice and laughter, but also has challenges of its own. It can be hard to get used to the idea that the person cannot just be called to the phone. Calls are monitored and this additional lack of privacy may also take a while to get used to. The calls may also have recorded messages that play throughout your conversation. Because the calls are timed, the recordings will tell you how much time you have left. When the time is up, the call is automatically disconnected. Depending on the facility, security level, or disciplinary action, your family member or loved one may have limited or no phone privileges.

Because they require companies that can monitor the conversations, calls from the correctional system are very expensive. While states get some of the money from these expenses, some of the states (i.e. Nevada) use that money to improve the facilities. Inmates call collect unless they have money in their accounts for the calls.

Visiting Your Loved One in Prison
Before you visit your family member or friend in a correctional facility for the first time, you may be very anxious to see him or her and just want to make sure he or she is okay. But you may also have a number of emotions. You may have concerns about finding the prison or how you will be treated by the correctional officers. You may be afraid of the rules and that you might inadvertently break one, or worried that you may see someone you know. You may be concerned about how your loved one is treated in prison. You may have anxiety because your relationship with your loved one may be strained due to the circumstances. You may be unsure how to be with your loved one now that he or she is no longer under the influence of drugs or alcohol. You may be concerned about your loved one’s morale or mental status, worried that his or her spirit may be broken by the experience. You may be resentful of the time or expense of having to travel to visit your loved one. Whatever you are feeling, take time to breathe and do what you can to prepare yourself. As mentioned earlier, before you go visit the correctional facility, make sure you are aware of the regulations for visiting. The facility’s handbook for family and friends should be able to give you this information. One of the biggest issues is clothing. There are many restrictions regarding what you can wear in the institution. Certain colors may be banned, as are tight clothes and tank tops. Because you have to be able to pass through a metal detector, women need to be sure not to wear an underwire bra. Skirts and dresses have to be a designated minimum length. Of course, every facility has its own rules. Federal prisons are standardized, but different officers may still allow different things, so you need to be prepared. Special note: If you require an oxygen apparatus or have a pacemaker, you will need special forms and a physician’s authorization. Follow the instructions of the facility well in advance of your visit.

For undocumented families in the United States, visiting can be an even greater challenge. Sometimes undocumented family members do not visit their loved ones in prison for various reasons. Most undocumented families do not have valid driver’s licenses, and therefore often avoid driving long distances for the fear of getting pulled over by the police or sheriff. They fear visiting a prison because they believe the prison officers will report them to the immigration authorities, and their visit will end up in deportation. They may also be afraid of being barred and denied entry to visit their love one because their foreign identification card may not be acceptable.

However, all these fears and doubts can be addressed with proper information and preparation.

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

Keeping Hope

/by

Keeping Hope – An Excerpt – “Breaking the Silence”

,

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated.
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

Visiting a prisoner

“Breaking the Silence: Telling Others?”

Other people’s reactions may be difficult to deal with because of the stigma that often goes with having a loved one in prison. You may choose not to tell anyone for a long time, or at all. Maybe you will only tell family or a few close friends. If your loved one’s crime makes the news, you may feel the whole world knows.

Some of your family and friends may be supportive. They may ask about your loved one and ask how they can help. You may find that others do not know what to say. Some will remove themselves from you or your loved one’s life.

Because there is such a stigma around having a loved one in prison, oftentimes family members are reluctant to tell others about it. People often feel shame, guilt, depression, and embarrassment. For these reasons, family members do not always get the support they need in their time of crisis. Telling others can be beneficial in that it allows the family member an outlet for their feelings and experiences and it can help others know how to be supportive.

It is often easier to start by telling those you feel you can trust, those you know are of good character and you believe will be supportive. You can be selective in which people you tell. Even if your loved one’s crime and incarceration have made the news, you can choose with whom you want to share your feelings. Find people who make you feel secure and accepted. Only share as much as seems safe at first. As your trust with someone grows, the more you may feel free to share. Be aware, however, that sometimes close friends are not always the ones who support you most. Sometimes those you do not expect to be as supportive are the ones who stay by your side through your experience.Sad Family

 

From Those Who Know…

We pulled together as a family. Our brothers and sisters in Christ supported us. I could not have made it through it without them.

The first couple of years I wanted people to keep in touch and keep him on their mind, over time I let that go and have settled for doing what I want as far as keeping in touch and visiting. I no longer push my expectations on anyone.

Family members felt shame, especially when it is in the papers and news.

His father has had nothing to do with him since he was incarcerated; his brother and his sister won’t see him either.

Family was devastated, could not stop crying. Friends removed themselves slowly from the situation.

It’s like the family of the perpetrator doesn’t count.

Family was half and half. Some supported me and others will never have anything to do with my husband. They don’t even want me to mention his name. Friends – close friends were great. Others will not have anything to do with me.

We don’t talk to anyone other than our parents anymore.

 

Lenten Reflections Blog series

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

Keeping Hope

/by