This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

“Being There: Supporting Your Loved One”

Don’t ever give up on them. Hate the sin but not the sinner.

One of the key ingredients in successful rehabilitation for inmates is family involvement. As the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation asserts, “Programs already in place in our state…show an enormous rehabilitative benefit from family interaction.” (Reform and Inform Newsletter, 2007) Furthermore, former Wisconsin DOC Secretary Gary Hamblin stated that “helping inmates maintain contact with their families while they are incarcerated also has an impact on recidivism and decreases their chances of re-incarceration.” (walker.wi.gov/press-release/governor-walker-miss-america-2012-announce-read-lead-book-bridge-program).

When your loved one goes to prison, you must make the decision if you are going to be committed to supporting him or her or not. Once you have decided to support the person, truly commit. Don’t be lukewarm. The more you can show healthy support, the better off he or she will be both during and after incarceration. Do not give up on him or her, especially if this is a first-time offense. Look past what happened and remember the person you love.

For some, the commitment to support your loved one may not happen right away. It may take a sincere letter from him or her as an indication of real change, an effort on the part of the prisoner, or just finding a common ground as you rebuild your relationship. But even if the reconnection comes near the end of the sentence, it is not too late. Doing what you can to support the person at any point of the incarceration can make a difference.

Because your loved one doesn’t truly know what is going on in your life, he or she has to completely trust you and the information you give. Do what you can to build that trust. Be consistent with writing, visiting, talking on the phone. Be encouraging. Make sure the inmate’s name is called often when the mail is handed out in the facility. Send something extra around the holidays. Send pictures, anything with color, things that are allowed but not seen in a prison. Demonstrate your support and that you haven’t forgotten about your relationship. Keep the communication open and flowing.

Helping support your loved one’s faith-life is another important aspect of his or her rehabilitation. Pray together when you can, do bible studies together, and share your faith experiences – all one’s spiritual life. This can help you, too. Both of you growing in faith together not only helps you bond, but helps both of you cope and develop in healthy ways.

Supporting your family member or friend involves both emotional and financial support. People who don’t have anyone to help financially are more isolated. They have no money for personal things that can be purchased in the commissary. So if you can, make sure there is money in the prisoner’s account for the phone and the commissary. Often, there are easy online methods for putting money into your loved one’s account. For example, in Texas there is e-CommDirect (tdcj-ecommdirect.portal.texas.gov/). This service allows you to make online purchases from the commissary which will be delivered to your loved one, or put money directly into your loved one’s account online. Similar to this is JPay (www.jpay.com). Available in more than 30 states, JPay allows you to not only send money to your loved one’s account, but also emails and music. Other services are video visits if the facility participates in this option.

Educate yourself on any conditions your loved one may have, whether they are mental or physical illness, or an addiction. The more you understand, the more you can support him or her and the more you can advocate if needed. You may also need to educate yourself on legal issues, especially if your loved one plans to make an appeal. While there is some legal help available inside the prisons, you may be the best advocate in your family member or friend’s case.

Advocating for Your Loved One
Advocating for a prisoner can take various approaches. It depends on each person. One way is simply being the person’s advocate within your family. You may need to speak up for him or her with members of the family who are not so supportive. You may not get them to start writing or visiting, but just helping family members understand the situation better can promote an attitude of reconciliation or at least tolerance.

Advocating within the system may present more formal involvement. At the time of sentencing, you may be able to give input as to what you think your loved one needs as part of his or her program (i.e. drug treatment, anger management, etc.) Some states have councils made up of inmate families to help resolve issues during incarceration, such as the Ohio Department of Rehabilitation and Correction (ODRC) Family Council.

Otherwise, you may simply have to be willing to take a stand on your own. For example, your advocacy may revolve around a condition your loved one has. If you are not happy with the medical care the prisoner receives, you may need to speak up on his or her behalf. There is a usually a process set up in the system – either at the correctional facility or at the state Department of Corrections level — to make a complaint, but if you are not getting the response you need, you may need to contact the ombudsman or other appropriate person in the system. If your loved one has mental illness, you may have to advocate for the person just to get needed treatment, whether it is counseling or medication. Keep asking “who else might help with this?” until you reach the right person.

If you need to advocate for your loved one on a legal level, i.e. making an appeal, you may feel out of your league. But there are options for getting legal help. Often the prison has a legal expert who can give advice. You can also do your own research. Some organizations, such as The Innocence Network, will provide free assistance in certain types of cases. More generally, there is some form of a Legal Aid Society ready to provide help.

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.

This Lent, we are going to share with you excerpts from Keeping Hope: A Resource for Families and Friends of the Incarcerated
Written by Karen Henning Heuberger and Ron Zeilinger

“Special Circumstances”

Mental Illness – If your loved one has a mental illness, you may face the challenge of trying to make sure he or she is getting needed treatment. Unfortunately, other than changing laws at the national level, you cannot force your loved one to take any necessary medications. And if you are not the inmate’s legal guardian or hold power of attorney, the correctional system does not inform you of your loved one’s medical status unless the appropriate forms have been signed beforehand. Often this can take weeks.

This means that if your loved one doesn’t want you to know whether he or she is taking medication or not, you will not be informed. (If you do become your loved one’s legal guardian, you will be responsible for any issues that arise after release.) Also, oftentimes the prisoner will be given enough medication to make the person cooperative in prison, but not necessarily enough to make him or her function at a “normal” level. This can be very frustrating for you. If your loved one is not on the correct medication, or at the appropriate dosage, it may make it even harder to connect with him or her.

When visiting or talking on the phone, you may not know what to say that won’t agitate him or her. For example, conversations may trigger your loved one’s delusions. Or the inmate may cancel visits or not respond to contacts. The inmate may want to put everything behind them including you.

Juvenile Offenders – If your incarcerated loved one is a juvenile, you may feel even more of an emotional strain. If you are the parent of the offender, you may feel responsible your child’s actions. Parents usually worry about their children going down the wrong path. Juvenile offenders may have come from foster homes, abusive situations, or other institutions, so their connection with people who care about them may be more strained. They may feel more connected to their peers or a gang, who may be part of the reason for the incarceration. This may make it difficult to maintain a close relationship for you and others who want to stay connected and support them.

Immigrant Detainees – If your loved one is detained because of an immigration status only, there are often the challenges of an indeterminate length of incarceration and the threat of deportation. Immigrant detainees are not legally entitled to counsel and may have to prepare their cases for themselves while incarcerated. They are often moved around to facilities hundreds of miles away and transfers may occur often without notice.

According to Human Rights Watch (hrw.org), “52 percent of detainees experienced at least one such transfer in 2009” and “over 46 percent of transferred detainees were moved at least two times, with 3,400 people transferred 10 times or more.” This situation may make it especially difficult for you to visit or even to stay in touch.

If you are able to visit the detention facility, remember that you need a current, valid ID to get in. If you are undocumented as well, it may not be safe for you to stay in contact. You may then not know where your loved one is or how the case is proceeding. You may not know how to help your loved one’s case. This can be heartbreaking. Even when legal counsel is not available, in most communities there are agencies and churches that may be able to assist you in at least locating your loved one without placing yourself in danger.

If the immigrant detainee has children, a custody case may also be in play and preparation for that is done while incarcerated as well. If you can, alert the person to find the law library, and enlist the help of a librarian, a chaplain, or even other prisoners. It is important that your loved one has a plan in place for the care of his or her children, especially with the threat of deportation. Otherwise the children will likely enter the foster care system and may be separated from the family indefinitely – if not permanently.

Parole – If the prisoner has been released on parole, you may find as many or more challenges in your life. You may worry about your loved one violating parole, whether intentionally or not. You may see the parolee struggling to stay out of trouble, get a job or keep a job. Employers often simply don’t want to take the risk of hiring your loved one who has a record. Or you may see your spouse or friend going back to the same group of friends and the same habits that got him or her into trouble originally. You may not be able to do anything about this and just have to watch it happen. If the parolee doesn’t live with you, you may be able to do nothing but hope that the conditions of parole are being kept and the loved one is working to stay straight. Try to avoid gossip, rumors and false accusations from others. There may be many sides to every story.

You may see your paroled spouse or friend taking advantage of family or friends. In some areas of the country, there are “Re-entry” programs designed to support ex-offenders, such as The Fortune Society and Exodus Transitional Community in New York City. If you have access to the Internet, you can do a Google search for “Re-entry programs” in your city, to find what you need nearby. In addition, there are support programs for the families of ex-offenders.

Even if an ex-offender is trying to make changes, “being on the outside” after incarceration can be such a challenge, your loved one may not make it and may return to prison. This may be devastating for you, your family and friends.

No matter what your loved one’s situation is, adjusting to these new challenges in your life will take time, and finding the support you need is absolutely essential. There are many methods and ways to help you cope. You must resolve to find them if you seek reconciliation with your loved one.

READ MORE FROM KEEPING HOPE BY PURCHASING YOUR COPY ON OUR STORE PAGE.